כל ההתחלות קשות

Of course, I'm just a cricket singing my way from hearth to hearth.  But let me tell you what made me change my mind.


The month of Elul is the last month of the Jewish civil calendar.  It leads us into the High Holidays and prepares us for the Days of Repentance.  When done properly, this time period can be extremely intense.  People will begin the process of asking for forgiveness by reaching out to others that they've hurt during the past year.  God will not be able to forgive us for our wrongdoings to other people until those individuals forgive us first- which is not as easy as it may seem.  My favorite custom of this time period is the blowing of the shofar.  The shofar is blown every day (except for Shabbat) from the 2nd of Elul until the 28th.  Some say that this piercing sound will arouse our souls as we prepare for the Days of Awe.  It will inspire us to jump out of our normal routine and prepare us for the Holy Days to follow.

This morning was our first official day of school (and yes, we have a roommate "first day of school" picture).  Orientation took place in the morning and the afternoon was spent in meetings with our Chumash/Talmud teachers.  It seems like everyone is wonderful and this is going to be a great year.  But what was the most memorable part of the day?  Hearing the shofar blown.  I stood there, with my eyes closed, listening to this piercing sound.  Something erupted within my heart.  It was like a fire had been ignited and the light began to spread throughout my whole body.  I felt it deep within my bones, slowly spreading to the surface of my skin.  By the time it was over, I was covered in goosebumps.  Never in my life has a single sound created such an emotional and physical response from me.  I honestly feel so blessed to be in this place in my life where such things can be felt.

In such a black and white world, I've never seen so many colors before.

שמע קולנו

You know, I have the strangest feeling that I've seen that ship before.  A long time ago, when I was very young.


I was telling Sarah the other day that I was quite nervous about this trip.  Simply for the reason that when I was on Birthright, I was moved to tears every single day and crying for a solid period of 10 months was just not going to fly.  I didn't feel as moved this time and attributed it to the fact that I felt home this time around.  As a friend put it, "Yeah, you are home, it takes a few days. But you are there... Well, this place is yours. Your own it."  Turns out, I was just in shock and extremely overwhelmed.  Once I started processing, it was clear that moments of true inspiration are found absolutely everywhere.

The sixteenth b'racha of the Amida is a plea to Hashem that all of our prayers are heard.  Our sages have suggested that this prayer (or some variation of it) was cried out by the Israelites while in Egypt.  It's also a time within the Amida to recite any individual prayers.  Personally, I use it as a time to talk to Hashem, one on one, and let Him know what I'm feeling or what I think I need help with.  The past year has been quite difficult in terms of my Judaism and I've always used this part of davening to try and restrengthen my faith.  I didn't realize just how powerful those few lines could be until I was standing at the Kotel feeling His presence.  Moments before, I could feel the heat of the sun baking down on my skin and the dehydration messing with my insides.  Yet at that instant, the only thing I could feel was complete and utter awe while in a state of gratitude.  After every struggle and battle, I was finally here- ready to take on the next wave of conflicts.

Thursday was quite the eventful day.  Before actually finding the Kotel, I was quite lost wandering around the Old City.  I accidentally stumbled across the Church of the Holy Sepulchre and decided to go in.  To be completely honest, I had no idea what this place was or what it meant to the people who visited the site.  However, you don't need to know the significance of this place in order to appreciate the devotion that other people have for their respective religions.  I stood there completely mesmerized watching everyone who passed by.  Regardless of the extreme heat, I had such intense goose bumps.

I finally decided it was time to leave and continued wandering around looking for a sign to point me in the right direction.  That's when I met Eul.  Eul was born to a Jewish mother and Muslim father.  He's fluent in Hebrew, Arabic, and English, and works in a scarf store.  Eul was willing to sell me a beautiful green scarf at a wonderful discount because he really liked me and could see us being friends.  he was upset when I declined his offer to stay for tea/coffee and made it clear that he was not interested in my body whatsoever but truly liked the person that I am.  He asked for my number and wanted me to promise him that I would hang out with him.  After much negotiating, we agreed that I would take his number and then pinky promised that I would think about calling him.  He then gave me directions to the Kotel and I was out of there.

Needless to say, his number has been deleted.

Thursday ended in an attempt to make my way to Tel Aviv.  That adventure turned into a bus going the wrong way (or did I get on the wrong bus?), a trip to Charedi town, my extreme awareness of my elbows, and a dead phone.  Moral of the story:  If a creepy guy tries to sell you a discounted scarf, take it as a sign that you'll need to dress extremely modestly in the near future.

Shabbos was beyond incredible.  I finally was able to start meeting other Pardesniks.  It's amazing to see all of these different types of practicing Jews coming together as one.  I've always been semi self conscious about my practices and didn't really know how to feel about "exposing" myself to a new crowd.  This group, without a doubt, has brought about some of the best feelings I've felt in a long time.  There's no need to hide any part of my story because everyone here has such an open heart and ability to listen.

I've studied the story of Abraham welcoming guests SO many times when I had to play the part of Abraham and invite "strangers" to unfamiliar territory (thank you Binghamton Hillel).  This passage takes on a completely different meaning the second I find myself as the stranger looking to "Abraham" for guidance.  It really does mean a world of a difference.

בוקר טוב מירושלים!

Promise me you'll always remember:  You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.


I'm finally here and boy does it feel great.  My travel buddy to Copenhagen made for an enjoyable experience.  Tim is from Charleston and was flying to Denmark for week-long meetings for his work with a pharmaceutical company.  He's married with two kids and has excellent tastes in food, commercials, and sarcasm.  We got along splendidly.  Pre-takeoff, I commented about my anxiety of flying.  He mentioned later that he didn't buy it.  For some reason the response "I'm so drugged right now.  Life is great." was not the one he had expected.  Before we went our separate ways, he made sure to let me know that I was an excellent flying buddy.  Ha.

The Copenhagen airport was nice and cozy.  There were bars and liquor stores everywhere you looked- who wouldn't feel at home?  I half considered stopping in at one until I realized it was 7AM local time and nothing was really open at that point.  Apparently they didn't get the message that it was 5o'clock somewhere...or 1AM from where I came from.  I made it to my gate and grabbed a seat.  An older man started talking to me about Binghamton.  He used to work in the area and then asked if the snailing team was about watching snails swim down the Susquehanna.  Yes, sir....of course that's what that means.

After 5 long hours of struggling to be awake, we finally boarded the flight to Tel Aviv.  Unfortunately, this flying buddy was not as pleasant.  He asked about what my plans were in Israel and then made sure to tell me his thoughts about everything.  Monotheism creates wars.  There's only one god, but we should believe in lots of "sub-gods."  He considers himself to be Orthodox.  When he asked me if driving on Shabbos is allowed in Conservative Judaism, he cut me off and said "Not what people think- what does Hashem say?"  The rest was a bunch of mumbling nonsense.  I don't think he realized that I hadn't slept in about 24 hours and had already popped more drugs.  I finally told him I didn't fly well and proceeded to fall asleep until we were about to land.

Leaving the airport was quick and easy.  I hopped into the sherut to Jersualem along with 9 other people and we were off.  Finally made it to the apartment around 9PM where Sarah was all ready for me.  This place is absolutely beautiful.  I woke up around 6:30 and made a beeline to the roof.  Davening has never felt so incredible before.  The rest of the morning has been spent walking in circles around the apartment and sitting in every chair to see how it feels.  I feel like Sheldon trying to find "my spot."

We're heading out to the shuk today to find food and all other wonderful things.  But for now, I shall sit on our balcony creeping on all of the neighbors.

#rooftopshacharis

The final countdown

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.


The time has come, the walrus said, to begin this incredible adventure.  That's not quite what the walrus said but that's not important.  People have been asking for months how I feel about this trip.  I sit here now wondering what it is that I feel.  If I had to describe it, I feel the complete opposite of being numb.  It's like every emotion is raging inside my body.  I'm ready to explode.

The follow up question to how I'm feeling is always "what are you most excited about?"  I've thought long and hard about this.  The thought of spending a year in the Holy Land, being so close to Hashem, is incredible.  The idea of being surrounded by a strong Jewish community 24/7 is mind blowing.  Knowing that I'll be spending my days learning without too many other commitments is also great.  But what am I most excited about?  I'll have a period of 10 months where I can focus on me and my story.  I'll have time to define my Judaism without worrying about anyone else.  I won't have to be defensive about my practices because we're all going to be on similar pages- we're all there to learn and discover.  10 months devoted to being a sponge.  You can't beat that.


In less than 24 hours, I'll be getting onto that plane...along with my 30 pills of Xanax.

And so it begins

The path to your destiny lies within the magic of your heart.


The first day I became aware of my "Jewish journey" was August 14th, 2010.  It was a hot and humid Shabbos afternoon down in St. Louis.  I, along with four of my peers, had just spent the week training to become Peer Network Engagement Interns at Hillel.  We sat in on lectures and participated in discussions that provided us with the tools we needed to return to campus and help other students along their journeys.  But this afternoon was set aside for us.  It was time to hear each other's stories and, in doing so, hear our own.

Nearly three years later, I sit here ready to embark on the next big adventure.  To be completely honest, I've never been more scared in my life.  I look at all of the changes I've made since that sunny Missouri day (keeping Shabbat, reconsidering the egalitarian lifestyle, etc...) and can only wonder what will happen in the next 10 months.  It's no secret that I'm on the fast track to observant Judaism; but am I making the right decisions?  I ask myself that on a daily basis.  Is this the path to my destiny?  The world may never know.

The original inspiration for this blog was to be used as a way to keep my parents involved in every step I take.  Phone calls can only last so long and journal entries aren't advanced enough to ask you questions that you had already answered along the way.  Not that parents do that or anything...

In any case, I hope to use this as a place to document what lies ahead.  As Mr. Lightyear likes to say, to infinity and beyond!